Before you put this letter down and think its a cry out to you for you to come back to me...Just read..I promise its not..

Its not a letter trying to get you to pity me

Its not a letter to get you to change your mind
Its a letter of apology and hope that we can be civil

I know its probably a bad time to be sending it but I need to say this..
 

I'm sorry for being immature

I'm sorry for being selfish

I'm sorry for seeing things only one sided

I'm sorry for anything that I said that was hurtful

I'm sorry for secretly hoping for retaliation

I'm sorry for pretending I never cared after the fact

With the past month that I've had to think and rethink and think again about what happened

I still might not understand everything

But I'm learning to be okay with it

I was so shocked that all I thought about was myself

I drowned out your feelings about not being happy, with my feelings of being so lost

I still never saw it coming

And I still never wish it was this way

But I hope you are doing good

I hope you are happy because that is all I ever wanted for you

It takes a lot to say that because I wanted you to be happy with ME

I respect that its not me that will make you happy

But none the less I care about you

I will always care about you

I don't think I'd ever be able to be your friend
But I 'd like to know how you're doing every now and then

With you where you are, I can't be bitter and hateful towards you

I wish you nothing but the best now and forever
 

Love,

Audrey

I counted down the days until I would see you again...every single time...even when my birthday was coming up..you were always more important

And I'm doing it again

In 36 minutes it will be 138 days

I guess that is an accomplishment

Seeing as it use to be 200 and 60 or so days

I miss you so much I ache

I'm jealous of every couple

Even if they are fighting

At least they get to speak to the person they love face to face

I miss the feel of your skin on mine

I miss your perfect scent

I miss your cute imperfect but perfectly perfect smile

I miss you playing guitar

I miss your humor

I miss getting coffee with you

I miss laying in bed with you for hours upon hours

I miss making love to you

I miss pretending I didn't want to kiss you

Even though the anticipation of touching your lips to mine once again would always kill me

I miss holding your hand

I miss falling asleep on your chest

I miss your back massages

I miss being nice to you

I miss giving you back massages

I miss listening to you sing in the shower

I miss texting you every morning

I miss waiting in your bed for you to come home from work

I miss that feeling I would get in my stomach when I would pull up to the airport to pick you up

I miss the comfort of your arms after not seeing you for a month

I miss surprising you

I miss doing nice things for you

I miss taking stupid pictures with you

I miss the feeling of saying "I love you" in person

I miss our internet dates that lasted until the early morning hours

I miss doodling your name on my notebooks

I miss counting down less that 30 days until I could see you again

I miss the way you looked after you shaved your face

I miss your body

I miss driving in the car with you

I miss being silly with you

 I miss going out to eat with you

I miss the feeling of love I had for you the night before you would leave

I miss knowing I would see you soon

I miss crying on your shoulder

I miss slow dancing when there was no music playing

I miss how silly you are when your drunk

I miss you cooking me dinner

I miss feeling so at home when I visited you

I miss you.

I'm literally going insane

Every dream I have is filled with insanity and sadness

I thought for awhile I would be okay

I'm not

No one even see's it

They think I'm stronger than this

I thought I was too

It's barely even been a month

I feel like its been an eternity

The only thing I have to get me through this is my strength and faith

I have to believe

I spent my first birthday in five years without Trevor.

I know its for the best but it took a little getting use to.

I finally confronted him about what he had done to me.

And of course, just like the good old Trevor I knew, he lied and denied it.

He tried to act like it didn't happen, when I know it did.

I hate him, really.

Sean comes home tomorrow...

Hello heartache.